2014 Was the Most Difficult Year of my Life, but I survived!


Death and Disappointment

I am so grateful that 2015 is dawning! 2014 was probably the most difficult year in my life. I thought 2013 had ended on a difficult note because in October my father died and then suddenly in November, my brother also died. However, another death in the family rocked my world when my sister died in April  2014. Three deaths in the family within six months is difficult enough, but my troubles did not end there.

After I returned from my sister’s funeral, I was talking with my husband in a conversation in which I disagreed with him on something that I considered minor, and the next thing I knew he had me against the wall choking me. He had hit me a few times in the past, but this time, I realized that he could kill me. It probably would be an accident, but he was angry enough that he could accidentally kill me. I would be dead, and he would be in jail, and our 13 year old daughter would be in foster care. So as not to go into detail, I will simply tell you that was my wake up call. I knew that I had to leave. He agreed to buy me a truck so that I would leave. He told me that he wanted nothing to do with me and he told me that he now considered himself an agnostic because he doubted that God existed.

me_on_the_laptop

So what came next was for me to make plans. I talked with my son and he said that he would set me up with a place on his land (he just got over 30 acres). He would set me up with a trailer and I could raise gardens and animals. I had fun dreaming about that as I prepared my exodus.

Delays followed delays. He could not find me a trailer that suited him and he had his own work and housing issues to deal with finally, he found me a place that he said would be temporary. It was a house out on an almost undrive-able dirt road, with extremely poor cell service, no internet, and no land line.  To make matters worse, it was in the neighborhood where in 2009 we had built a house that we lost to foreclosure and a woman had been murdered and hacked up. The murderer had been caught, but several people said that he had been acting on someone else’s orders. I lived there for over 4 months.

Frustration

When I moved out, I had limited funds, but I thought that I would quickly be able to get a job and be able to get some cash flow. I started applying for jobs in the area before I ever moved. I applied for job after job with no offers of employment. I moved in July. July passed. I graduated college July 30th, surely someone would want to hire  a newly graduated with honors (magna cum laude)  individual with a bachelor’s in liberal arts.August passed. Still no job. Finally by the first of September, I was desperate for anything.

Depression Gives Way to Hope

By the beginning of September, I was so depressed I was actually contemplating suicide. I cried myself to sleep every night and wondered if I was going to survive the pain that I was feeling. Things continued to get worse for me. on September 5, my computer’s hard drive bit the dust. I took it to get it repaired and I was told that it would cost me more money than I had to get it fixed. The worst day came when I was on my way into town and I heard a loud sound coming from one of my tires. I pulled over to the side of the road and saw that much of the tread had come off the tire. I watched the tire blow before my eyes. I didn’t have a spare. I called my son who said that he would buy me a new tire. I called a friend who said that he would get the new tire come fix it for me. I realized that I wasn’t alone, that my hope was in the fact that God put people in my path to help me. I saw light at the end of the tunnel. It was a faint light, but it was definitely light.

A Different Direction

Toward the end of September I finally had a job that would at least provide me with a cash flow. I started working as direct care staff for an autistic young man. Even this minimum wage job was better than I had before and I am grateful to have it.  With my first check from that job, I paid to have the computer fixed. One of my friends agreed to take me on as a roommate in a house in town. We worked to fix it up to make it a really nice home. We all moved into the house in November. I again have the internet. When I was off the internet in September and October, I read a number of books and when I had the computer back I worked on the second draft of A Coward’s Solace which is the next book in The Locket Saga. In November I wrote the first draft of Sailing Under the Black Flag the book which will follow A Coward’s Solace in the Locket Saga. My direction has changed considerable in the past year, but I know that God is behind these changes. I look forward to making plans and meeting new goals in 2015.

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11 comments
  1. Billybuc said:

    I applaud your bravery in telling your story, and I applaud your strength in making it through those horrible time. Here’s to 2015. May it be a release for you, a new start for you, and a continued triumph for you.

    • 1authorcygnetbrown said:

      Thanks Bill! I am really looking forward to the new year! Onward and upward!

  2. Wow, Cygnet. I had no idea you were going through all this turmoil. You never let it show in your postings. How brave of you to step away from a dangerous situation and into a new life. My hopes are that this year becomes the best year ever for you and your daughter. All the best.

    • 1authorcygnetbrown said:

      My daughter still lives with her dad which makes it difficult for me. She came and spent the Christmas holiday (10 days) with me. I just took her back to her dad’s today. I already miss her. He still loves her and they get along fine. She is staying there because of all the school activities that she is in and her friends there. I am planning on spending a lot of time with her over spring break and summer vacation.

  3. rebelquilter said:

    I had no idea that you had been through so much. That you left behind the guy that erased your creative works off the computer is the smartest thing you have done. I am glad you escaped that suppression and are on the road to finding your dreams are still alive and they are not dependent on others. May you have a passion that drives you and a love of yourself that can’t be compromised; may you find the peace that accompanies the quest for life and the achievement of your goals.

    • 1authorcygnetbrown said:

      Oh, Susan! It is so good to know that I have so many friends like you! I am so glad that I have gotten to know you and I know you and Jon will have a great time living closer to your children in Florida! I look forward to the time when I can come down to visit!

      • rebelquilter said:

        We think we have located an area in downtown St. Petersburg with an artists enclave. It would be fun to be a part of such a game. Definitely will welcome you when we finally get there. I’m guessing sometime in April. Take care and carry on!!!

      • 1authorcygnetbrown said:

        I didn’t realize that you were still here in MO. I am now back in Alton. Perhaps we could get together soon here!

      • rebelquilter said:

        Well… my mom is in the process of dying- actively. I have surgery on Thursday. After that I’d love to see you. You’ve been on a rough ride. Perhaps lunch one day. Is your daughter doing well?

      • 1authorcygnetbrown said:

        I am sorry to hear about your Mom. My thoughts and prayers are with you as she passes. I can certainly empathize as well as sympathize. I pray your surgery goes well. I work Fridays, Saturdays, and Sunday’s 12 hours and from 3-8 pm on Thursdays, So I would be available for lunch Mon-Thurs. (Is there any place around as good as A La Carte was?) Boni is doing well. She is still with her dad (who by the way now has a girlfriend). I decided to let her decide where she wanted to live. She was here for Christmas vacation and we plan to go to Branson over her spring break and she wants to spend most of the summer with me.

      • rebelquilter said:

        We can make that work. It is easiest to plan to eat here….unless Mom passes very soon. Then we can go anywhere. We’ll connect back up via email or facebook.

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